Eat it, eat it now. 0_0

It's not like I stopped eating when I started coming to this church, I've always been this way. I eat when I'm hungry until I'm satisfied, that doesn't always mean until I'm so full I feel like I'm going to explode, just until I'm no longer hungry. A lot of the time, I can go without eating and just not be hungry anyways. I once skipped four meals within two days, not because I think I'm fat and so I starve myself, just because I wasn't hungry. A bunch of people that I know think that I don't like eating in front of people, or that I think I'm fat, or that I'm anorexic, none of which is true.

I have tried to explain it more than once but normally to no avail. I'm just one of those people that, if I don't eat when I'm hungry, I just can't eat. It sounds strange, and I don't really know how to say it any better than I just did. Either I'm not hungry, or I'm hungry. If I don't eat when I'm hungry than my hunger leaves and I develop a headache. If I eat when I'm not hungry, I get queasy. But if I eat when I'm hungry, just enough to where I'm not, than I'm good to go for the rest of the day.

Recently I don't know who reads my blog because a bunch of people randomly come up to me and say "Oh, by the way, I read your blog." So if you're reading this, please believe me when I say "I'm not hungry" because if you guilt me into eating something anyways it really won't be good for me. :/

The way things were and the way things are.

I was looking back over some of my old blogs not long ago. I was amazed at how long some of them were. 'I must have had alot of time on my hands...' was my first thought. But then I realized that wasn't true. You see, even after school has started back I have more trouble trying to find something to occupy my free time than I do trying to find some time to do stuff. I guess the reason why they were so long was because there was alot going on and therefore alot to write about. Either I was frustrated because of something that had recently happened, or if I had had a busy day or if I had done something fun with my friends. But now there's nothing for me to write about :/ it's not like I don't have fun with my friends anymore. I just never think to write it out. So this will be a happy blog :)

My life is going great. I moved to Athens about six months ago(I think) and I have been having a blast since then. I can hardly think of a weekend when I haven't gotten to see my friends ^_^ which makes me happy, lol. I made a good friend this year, his name is David, I knew him before just not as well, and now that I do he has to be one of my best friends. He's fun to be around and I can talk to him about serious stuff to, and he actually understand :) So thats a good thing :P and some of my other friends I feel I have gotten to know a little better since I moved to Athens.

The one downside, I don't have my horses anymore. I mean, I own them, but they are still at the other house. I like my horses, I used to have so much fun just grooming Black let alone taking a nice ride to get my mind off of everything around me. It was a great way to relax and clear my thoughts and I don't have that anymore. But recently, the people that are allowing us to live in this house are going to let us put up a fence on their property and keep the horses there so that I will be able to take care of them like I used to. My days are probably gonna get alot shorter with them here but I can't wait! I keep rushing Dad to put up the fence or get the stuff so that I can. If I have to fence up the whole five acres myself I will to get them here. I'm so excited. I just hope it isn't all for nothing. We still haven't sold the house in Cleveland and after being this close I don't want to move back. :/

An upside to moving back, however, is that I will not lose the beloved creek, all the times I've spent there with my friends, all the long hours after a hard day reading my book on a log hanging over the water, the light glistening just so off of the water during the late twilight and the breeze blowing my hair out of my face as easily as my fingers pulling each strand behind my ear. It was always so peaceful. I was very content there, but since I'm happy here, this is where I want to stay. Those good times will never be forgotten, but I am definitely open to making new memories here. :)

To aspire to do great things.

My inspiration doesn't come from this world. All I know is what I feel in my heart, what God put there for me to desire. I don't try to make my head big by thinking I'm better than other people just because I want to do something good with my life. I don't even know what it is that I want to do. I'm sure with God's help that I will one day discover what it is that I am to do. I want to have a good life and I would love it if it was as simple as me getting married, having kids, dieing old and simply sharing God with people I meet along the way, and it may very well be something like that but I do know I want to somehow use my knowledge for the better. For God. I want to be open for him to use me in the ways he feels necessary. "Mankind is divided into three classes;" said Benjamin Franklin, "those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move." I don't want to be any of these however, I want to be the one that inspires others to move in the right direction. :)

"Wanna get wet?" - I'll pass thanks.

Sunday immediately after church they had a baptism for some of our church family. It wasn't strictly those people, some people decided last minute that they wanted baptised to. "Are you gonna get baptised?" asked my friend David.- I have never been baptised. I don't think I'm "unholy" because I've never been baptised, and I'm not saying I'm not a christian either. "No, not today anyways." I replied. I recalled this question later on to Josh as we(Seth, Tim, Josh and I) drove down the road. "I've never really been baptised." I confessed to them. "You haven't?" asked Josh. "No." "Why not?" "Because, I want to make sure that I want to do it. Not saying I don't want to do it. I just don't want to do it just to get it out of the way. I want to do it to get closer to God. Right now I feel like I would feel pressed to do it just to get it out of the way. But thats not what I want." I stated simply. If that wasn't clear enough to you. I don't want to get baptised because I won't go to heaven if I don't(I'm pretty sure the theif on the cross was never baptised and God is no respecter of persons so why would he make an acception for one and not another?) and I don't want to do it because Mom thinks I should or because everyone else thinks that I need to be baptised. I want to do it because I want to do it for God. And it's not like I don't want to do it for him right now either, but right now I think that the only reason I would be doing it is because someone else wants me to. Maybe in the future I will do it for God, and for me. But not for anyone else.

Not thinking is never a good thing and yet some times thinking is just as bad.

I woke up in a grumpy mood today. I'm actually still in that grumpy mood, I don't know how I got in it. I just woke up and was snappier than usual. I made my cereal and right after putting the milk up I heard mom say, "Oh, can you make me a cup of coffee?" normally I would have happily replied, "Yes, I'll make your coffee." But instead that's not exactly what came out... "I wish you would have asked before I poured milk in my cereal." I said without thinking. "I didn't know you were going to whine about it. Never mind though, I'll poor my own coffee." I could have left it at that and not received the look like she wanted me dead but instead I decided to smart off again "Well, you don't like wasted cereal, and I don't like soggy cereal." I said again without thinking. Whenever I did think it was something like 'What on earth is wrong with me today?!' I'm lucky I didn't get back handed through a wall.

Somehow the words form in my mouth before they form in my mind. I ended up making her coffee, feeling sorry about my earlier display. I tried to go out of my way to be nicer since I felt very stupid for being such a jerk. This at least worked. But than I got irritated inwardly instead of outwardly and than would end up snapping because of something someone would request of me later on. I'm therefore having a very crappy day so far.

I also realize that I seem to normally only post things when I'm upset, if you wonder why I have found the explanation. I can easily express happiness, without worry of anyone but when it comes to anger, frustration, and sadness I can't quite express my feelings in fear of upsetting anyone else or offending someone or maybe putting someone in a dim mood. So I tend to try not to. This is why whenever I try to think on something, I only ever have sad feelings come back to me because that is all that is left.

Assumptions

One Sunday morning me and my friend were sitting on a bench talking when one of my other friends came over to us with a camera. "Can I get a picture of you two?" She asked. "Um... I guess." I started to answer when my other friend cut in with a blunt "No." I was a little confused. "Why not?" I asked him. "Yeah, why not?" my friend repeated. "Because, somehow that picture will end up on facebook and people assume too much." he stated simply. He had a very good point and so with that no picture was taken. However, I had taken a picture of us together quite some time ago and put it on facebook. People started commenting on it with stuff like "Aw, thats so sweet!" or "I knew they would end up together." Needless to say I got rather ticked. 'People do assume too much' I thought as that was the first thing that came to my mind and my thoughts went back to this conversation.

Just to clear things up, we do not like each other. I treat him no differently than I treat any of my other guy friends. I don't see why people half to make up a bunch of crap over something that is so non existent. He doesn't like me. We are friends, and that is that. So I wish people would leave me alone and let me live my life without their constant pushing and their scrutiny as if it's really any of their business to begin with. So that being said, please leave me alone.

Too mean?

Saturday night...

Standing around with some friends someone commented on my nails and how evil they looked because they are so long. "They look like witch nails." He said simply. "They do not!" I said in defense "They're music notes, what's evil and witch like about that?" "I bet they're music notes to an evil secular song to." He said ignoring my protests. "Well, your just... mean. That's what you are, mean." I repeated affirmatively. "I'm mean?!" He gasped, "This coming from you?" "I can hardly believe she said it either" another friend cut in. "Surely you of all people, who is so mean to everyone, can't possibly think that I am mean." He argued. This was a little upsetting, I'm not that mean of a person or so I thought. Everyone knows I'm just joking, right? They went on all night about how evil I was. By the end of the night I was more than a little annoyed. I jokingly call people a jerk, or a meany, and stuff of the sort, but only when I know they are joking. I told a story of one of these "jokes"at one time(just the other night in fact). "How do you even have friends?!" She exclaimed in wonder. "He knew I was just joking, I even told him so." I reasoned. "Are you sure?" "Yeah" *I think... :/* Maybe they aren't my friends, maybe its more the answer of tolerating me and putting up with me all day rather than hanging out... I don't know but that's not how I want it. I just don't want to pretend to be something I'm not either. Whats the point in having everyone love you if its not you they're loving... I'd rather have everyone hate my guts, than love me for being someone I'm not.